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- 1800.0
- Teenage white girl to be tried as a black adult, Kim Jong-il agrees to suspend nuclear program in exchange for lead role in next Batman film, terrorists deny kidnapped ONN reporter access to make-up, today NOW! inquired as to how a rescued girl will make up for the loss of a firefighter, ONN viewer is a boring, annoying, ugly woman with a cheating husband, and mentally handicapped son, FDA Commissioner urges Americans to "just eat a goddamn vegetable once in a while", states requiring sex offenders to wear identifying clothes in public, Biden band reuniting to play Super Bowl, Sarah Palin presidential polls boosted by morbid curiosity, perfectly good tire just sitting there behind the deli, another time traveling soldier harassed Suri Cruise, and this day in history the handjob was invented. (en)
- Brooke Alvarez is now single, government warning country of impending release of rap ballads about fatherhood by Jay-Z, attempted kidnapping of Michelle Obama by obese extremists due to her un-American food portion reduction stance failed, Steve Jobs 2 announced by Apple, U.S. alliance with Israel unharmed by attack on U.S., Obama's approval rating increases after punching banker, Shelby Cross instructs ONN viewers to thoroughly search their neighbor's homes for missing Baby Kate, banker punched by Obama promptly assaulted by reporters at press conference, FOX's X-Factor attempts to compete with quietly sitting in the dark, HBO's Boardwalk Empire being retooled to take place in modern day New Jersey, Sci-fi fans debating how producers will eventually ruin FOX's Terra Nova, ONN's O'Brady Shaw over-emotionally reports death of teen he didn't know, First Responders ponder how best to kill random civilians with robots, and Biden proudly announces shit he took on the NY Stock Exchange. (en)
- Anti-gay Congressman allegedly spending time romantically with a horse, supreme court rules talkative Arizona man does not have freedom of speech, today NOW! reported live from the annual Valentine's Day stoning of an unbearably happy couple, miners still trapped in jobs mining, U.S. deploys military strike to aid relief efforts in Iran train derailment, nation's repairman Ron will be fixing the nation's infrastructure tomorrow, Mac fans cutting off hands for release of iHand tomorrow, 'higher' support legalization of marijuana, autopsy of pilot in plane wreckage determines pilot too charred to fly, citizens of Pennington, Illinois anticipating major brawl between Carl and Jerry over Megan, today in history the Civil Rights Act mandated racism be made less obvious, Los Angeles residents join to obey instructions from vibrating obelisk to protect Suri Cruise, and the Memphis murderer is still unimpressive. (en)
- In a rebroadcast of today NOW!: Search for missing fat black man continues, medical expert Dr. Kareem Mazari talks about children who refuse to take off their costume after Halloween, Applebee's new advertising campaign suggests hipsters dine there ironically, Jim and Tracy investigate discrimination against obese people by going undercover, attractive blonde woman questioned in case of missing fat black man, high school girls run clothing charity drive for their peers, chef demonstrates how to prepare needlessly expensive and time-wasting food, local weather conditions are vulgar, award-winning country artist's new album inspired by true stories of rural life and meth, and a man claiming to be the missing fat black man complains the news coverage is ruining the sick call he made to his employer. (en)
- Onion reporter died in brothel fire while recording part 412 of his report on the Eastern European sex trade, Shelby Cross recommends keeping kids safe from pedophiles on Halloween by sedating and keeping them in your basement until morning, corporate tax cut deal struck allows Republicans to kick Obama in the balls, Republicans accused of slowing things down due to moving in slow motion, search and rescue efforts for missing hikers continue even though they are probably dead, high unemployment rate found to be caused by Illinois man who has 42,000 jobs, small town spitefully welcomes back failed aspiring musician who had left to the big city, hackers responsible for malfunction of actress January Jones, and the eccentric billionaire who single-handedly funds Chuck ends the series due to loneliness of being its only viewer. (en)
- Wolf Blitzer is a pathetic man, all unequal groups receive casinos, military drone TR-425 answers for its crimes in court, President Obama seems to hate his dog, climatologists appear to be trying to communicate something, first openly drunk senator accused of drunken campaign promises, Department of Health and Human Services bans the nation's Shawnas from using tanning salons, DreamWorks Animation to receive the Oscar lifetime achievement award for "giving divorced dads something to do with their kids", PETA demands an end to using chickens to randomly select Oscar winners, sources within Howie Mandel's imagination report that he will be hosting the Oscars, the Democratic Party is seeking counseling to resolve their issues, train is okay after hitting a man, and teenage pregnancy rates in Pennington, Illinois are up thirty percent due to Cody. (en)
- In a review of the year's top headlines: Obese Osama bin Laden found, Queen consummates her grandson's marriage to Kate Middleton, Fukushima mutants reassure public that claims of radiation danger are baseless, nation shocked as someone shot in 1 of 30 daily shootings, something either good or bad to happen as result of Cairo uprising, pop music industry continues assault on good taste with latest star K'Ronikka, renewable sustainable energy source encoded in Charlie Sheen's rants, and O'Brady Shaw wins ONN person of the year. (en)
- al-Qaeda launches crippling cyber-attack beginning with an image of a pig in boots, legislators should use illegal immigrants to write immigration reform bill to save money, missing teens found drowned in dangerous bathtub, first openly drunk senator to spend more time drinking, everyone would be safer if they had their own justice shed, seven-hour-long audio sex tape featuring celebrity Garrison Keillor leaked, FDA Commissioner urges Americans to wash hands after using restroom following E. coli outbreak, genetically engineered food safety questioned after corn begs for death, undercover investigation into the intentions of a waitress inconclusive, man who shit in pants in elementary school receives Purple Heart, and this day in history The Lindy Hop was a popular anti-semitic dance. (en)
- Thousands trapped on couch by Confessions: Animal Hoarding marathon, people with facial tattoos face discrimination from potential employers, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad faces criticism for admirative comments toward Jews, older Hispanic men assemble at theaters in anticipation of new Twilight film, Beyond The Facts investigates basement spouse arguments, O'Brady Shaw comforts the wife and children of a missing soldier, this day in 1969 Apollo 12 crew-members cleaned up Apollo 11's trash on the moon, smell in local library identified as weed, and the First Responders discuss the studio's new-found sentience. (en)
- Mystery candidate leading GOP presidential polls, new robot warns masturbators of people approaching, government officials sick of dealing with Afghanistan, Russia asked by NASA to stop filming porn on International Space Station, the First Responders debate whether it's fair for employers to check out applicants' personal Internet sex videos, imprisoned millionaire not appreciative of rigid jail routine, Shelby Cross suggests changing your identity every three years to avoid identity theft, Obama reelection campaign asks voters not to make his daughters change schools, and Tucker Hope interviews pole-dancing stripper about fire in strip club. (en)
- Stock markets crash as traders realize humans are capable of error, Republicans rally a man for presidency due to his disinterest in politics, Obama requests Americans pretend to not be classless idiots while French leader visits, Osama bin Laden suspected to be hiding near set of TV show "Bin Laden Live", FDA Commissioner gives up on convincing Americans to eat healthy, Officials intend to discuss that North Korea destroyed Asia, GoldenMade CEO claims his company is not responsible for deaths due to massive corn syrup flood, study proves Comic Sans is funny, UFO sightings proven to be hoax perpetrated by aliens, regular Americans resistant to speaking their mind on Congress proposal to save money by cutting States from the Union, today NOW! featured the inspirational story of Amanda McCormick overcoming great difficulties to have sex with LeBron James, and Fox News misinformed viewers about Clyde the Cat. (en)
- Brooke Alvarez's cold personality is a result of her childhood trauma in the Russian space program, Obama puts CEO of highly profitable and terrible tasting beverage in charge of U.S. economy, Tea Party activist running for seat in Supreme Court, Gavin Fisher goes undercover as stereotypical Chinese personas to investigate counterfeit goods, O'Brady Shaw rushes to the scene of a shooting that may or may not have happened, crazy woman Michele Bachmann claims to be treated differently than crazy men, environmentalist claims that bogs and marshes aren't just dead body landfills, opinion polls up for Mitt Romney after prostitute admits to paying him for sex, and the plan for stimulating the economy is coconuts. (en)
- Brooke Alvarez will always be the face of cable news, comatose former congressman running for president, potentially dangerous self-defense instructors know all your moves, First Responders totally watched the GOP debate, O'Brady Shaw is a compassionate dog-slayer tomorrow night on Gut Check, soldiers in Afghanistan sad about some men dying but happy about other men dying, Kanye West and Syria in conflict, defective Hot plates won't be recalled since people who buy them are obviously pathetic, Biden launches fitness program aimed at making youthful American women more attractive, comatose presidential candidate quits after caught receiving oral sex from nurse, and O'Brady Shaw rudely leaves during his report. (en)
- Congress renewed funding for CIA program 'Facebook', Diplomatic talks between Washington and Real Americans have begun, New York Senator criticized for taking cheap bribes, Supreme Court supports law allowing citizen's right to carry gun at head level, rumors of Supreme Court Justice's health triggers speculation on which disease will kill him, Brooke Alvarez condemns songs for issuing commands to DJs, heroic high school student refuses to participate in foreign language courses, reality show following former warlord renewed for second season, states suffering from high fructose corn syrup spill hit with BBQ flavoring cloud, Shaken Manchild Syndrome on the rise, and this day in 600 BC Japan was founded by tentacle porn enthusiasts. (en)
- O'Brady Shaw co-hosts as a woman's loud voice disturbs the nation, new weight-loss drug causes nightmarish hallucinations around food, parents tribute dead son by continuing to update his Tumblr with insults, SIURT investigates whether SIURT reporter is responsible for ruining his family's Thanksgiving, situation worsens as loud woman has private conversation, black part of town moves across local river, Congress suggests Obama ask loud woman to quiet down, this year's hottest holiday present is Chinese Paint, and the nation is relieved as Brooke Alvarez confronts the loud woman. (en)
- Snow storm causing major problems for the nation's idiots, and leaving thousands without access to pornography, forecast of possible light snow triggers emergency response from the entire government, Department of Defense allows women to serve in combat with supervising male chaperon, Cruise family increases security in response to continued time traveler attacks, Congress can't remember how to pass a bill, al-Qaeda planting decoy Muslims to make people think they're peaceful, those 7 asshole snowmobilers still not lost or hurt, Snowstorm killer still at large, people are sad about dead woman, and the Memphis murderer needs to try harder if he wants Brooke Alvarez to pay attention. (en)
- Last U.S. citizen gives up on American Dream, Damaged Women's Coalition demand attention from Congress, protestors concerned adopted children of gay couples harmed by their protests, future National American Dream Memorial to dissolve and collapse, Americans celebrate no longer having to pretend they had not given up their dreams, NASA launched mission to explore New Mexico, Jeff Gordon donated $2 million to charity focused on ending his illiteracy, Biden replaces Secret Service with sexy female bodyguards, no one will ever invent something better than the American-invented zipper, victim count continues to increase after accidental release of 34 Katherine Heigl films, and Obama declares the new American Dream to be motorcycle ownership. (en)
- Congress passes bill making incomprehensible shouting the official language of the United States, GoldenMade factory explosion results in flood of corn syrup, Federal Dating Agency adjusts datings standards to a record low, child who witnessed the murder of his parents is on the path to becoming a real-life Batman, real Obama found after revelations that a lookalike took his place two years ago, fifty-two injured in attack on LAX by film director Michael Bay, Conair recalls wand massagers after discovery of unintended uses, Congress passes new law providing workers six minutes per day to cry in stairwell, Joe Biden unveils anticipated Vice President uniform, Shelby Cross urges Americans to secretly film those engaged in sexual activity to curb public indecency, entire town attends parade for the town's only gay man, Oklahoma state legislature passes bill allowing doctors to perform fake abortions, and this day in 1929 doctors eliminated the slide whistle sound that accompanied falling pants. (en)
- Heroic student killed potentially harmful outcasts, regular human Zorla Gorgalon gave birth to 352 children, crying woman making people uncomfortable, female escort claims to have slept with some famous, handsome Hollywood actor whose last name starts with 'B', first openly drunk senator elected, one in five teens illegally enriching uranium, wife of Congressman caught in affair with a horse coping through throw pillows, and anarchy erupts after discovery that U.S. constitution is expired. (en)
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