This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2005 and 2006.

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  • This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2005 and 2006. (en)
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  • List of The Colbert Report episodes
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  • Colbert predicts the Apocalypse because of a recent solar eclipse and endorses polygamy in "The Wørd". Part seventeen of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Adam Schiff of California's 29th congressional district.
  • Colbert predicts Academy Award winners Rachel Weisz, Reese Witherspoon, George Clooney, Philip Seymour Hoffman, and Crash with the DaColbert Code.
  • Attempted to make contact with the spirit of John Lennon through electronic voice phenomena.
  • Better Known a District: Carol Gay from New Jersey's 4th.
  • During the interview segment with Linda Hirshman, Colbert claimed that latchkey kids all grew up to be crazy, implying that he read it on Wikipedia. Hirshman then said that if Wikipedia didn't state such a thing before, it most likely soon would.
  • Colbert places a Highlights for Children magazine on his bookshelf in honor of the printing of its one billionth copy.
  • Colbert calls for a boycott of James Frey for upsetting Oprah Winfrey. Colbert celebrates the discussion of "truthiness" by Oprah and Frank Rich on her show, and by the hosts of Nightline. Colbert switched to the second Wørd "Unscripted" as he emulated George W. Bush's recent spate of casual appearances and launched into an "unscripted" question-and-answer session with the audience, which happened to feature an African-American, female, U.S. Marine and an Iraqi Kurd profusely thanking Colbert and exclaiming the greatness of America; "Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger" included a tip of the hat to paleontologists who discovered the fossil remains of effigia okeeffeae, an ancestor to crocodiles, for disproving the "Darwinlutionists; color:#ffffff; who tried to claim that every kind of creature had evolved from monkeys; also a wag of the finger to the same paleontologists, who named the extinct species after Georgia O'Keeffe, whose painting scares the hell out of Colbert, instead of after Edwin H. Colbert, who originally found the fossils.
  • Colbert apologizes for not mentioning bears in the previous Threat-down after a woman is attacked by a bear at a Canadian hockey game. Tonight's bonus Threat-down includes only the number one spot, held by bears; Colbert asserts that "they will kill you." Colbert gives his own version of the White House's Katrina report.
  • Rioting Do's and Don't's; Colbert marks premiere of The Colbert Report in Canada by welcoming Canadians as fellow "it-getters"; bears, the soulless killing machines, top the Threat Down once again.
  • Colbert "Calls it!" after hearing that elephant vasectomies are being performed in Africa, referring to his [[#ep128
  • Instead of having a Threatdown, Stephen has a special "GreatDown", celebrating the 109th Congress. Stephen signs a peace treaty with guest Barry Manilow. The agreement ceases hostilities between the two and grants Stephen joint custody of Manilow's Emmy for outstanding individual performance in a variety or music program. In a heart-stopping moment, Stephen sings "I Write the Songs; color:#ffffff; with Manilow.
  • Another entry to the Green Screen challenge is shown. "The Blitzkrieg on Grinchitude" shows an interview with inhabitants of Spencer County, Indiana with the controversy over Santa and Abraham Lincoln being the centerpiece of the town. Jon Stewart is tricked into calling the "Days of Repentance" hotline, followed by Un-American News.
  • Part one of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Jack Kingston of Georgia's 1st congressional district; First All You Need to Know.
  • First Out-of-Context Interview, with Kay Bailey Hutchison; First Appearance of "Bring Him Back or Keep him Dead," featuring Torquemada, Charles Darwin and Dave Thomas; a sequence on positive mugshots, in honor of Tom DeLay's arrest.
  • Colbert mentions the ongoing Danish cartoon controversy and declares that he is against such vile depictions, because he fears for his life. In retaliation, he shows his own cartoons - stick figure versions of popular Danish icons depicted in ways that Danes would find insulting. Colbert places the last telegram he ever received to acknowledge Western Union's cancellation of its long-running service.
  • First appearance of Russ Lieber; Stephen replaces the U.S. Constitution with a framed credit card offer; Lisa Loeb has a cameo, singing a few bars of "Stay "; First Un-American News.
  • Colbert puts his brother Ed on notice for failing to give the Report rights to air press conference footage of the disputes between American speed skaters Chad Hedrick and Shani Davis. He then acts out the conferences using a water pipe to represent Hedrick and a hooker doll as Davis. Number five on the Threat-down was gay adoption. Roommates topped the Threat-down, though as toilet paper was the cause of one roommate murdering another, bears are involved through brand Charmin .
  • Who's Not Honoring Me Now; Stephen's Sound Advice on getting through high school.
  • First instance where Colbert has removed items from his bookshelf. In this case, Jessica Simpson merchandise including her album Sweet Kisses and his pair of Daisy Dukes, in response to Simpson declining an offer to speak at a Republican Party fundraiser.
  • Colbert mocks the USA's low student achievement in science. Part thirteen of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Chaka Fattah of Pennsylvania's 2nd District.
  • First "Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger"; First "Stephen Settles the Debate" ; First The In-Box, where Stephen reads e-mails for viewers.
  • "Who's attacking me now?": Jon Friedman of MarketWatch claims that Yahoo! News has as little chance as the Report of winning a Pulitzer. In response, Colbert pulls out his various Peabodies and Emmys.
  • John Stossel says there is nothing wrong with cousins marrying each other , Mission plan concocted for Killer, Bobby, and Ric Ocasek to rescue Stephen Jr., Stephen's Sound Advice: Power Failure.
  • Better Know A District: Diana DeGette from Colorado's 1st
  • Colbert debuts his new one-part series: "Stephen Colbert's Problems Without Solutions" about a zookeeper who handles bears.
  • Stephen delights in a correction by The New York Times stating they had misreported The Colbert Report's first episode's "Word" as "trustiness" rather than "truthiness," and provides "cat" as this episode's "Word" so the Times will have something easy enough for them to get right. First "I called it" segment.
  • Stephen suggests the new name for the Saginaw Spirit hockey team's mascot - the "Colbeagle". Stephen also proposed the naming of a Hungarian bridge after him. He encouraged members of the Colbert Nation to visit http://www.m0hid.gov.hu and then click on the Hungarian word on the left "Szavazok." In the "All You Need to Know" segment, he looked into the Mexican election counting crisis, and "all you need to know" is that the President will be George W. Bush. He called the interview with David Gergen, a moderate Republican, an interview with the Chupacabra.
  • "All You Need to Know" returns after a long hiatus.
  • Stephen pines for Matthew McConaughey to be reinstated as Sexiest Man Alive, scorns Deck the Halls, Black Christmas, and It's a Wonderful Life, and speaks to Richard Linklater about Fast Food Nation
  • Showed his audition tape for White House Press Secretary, a lengthy sketch first shown at the White House Correspondents' Dinner that ends with him being chased by Helen Thomas, parodying many horror movie chase scenes - for example, in trying to enter his car, he repeatedly fumbles and drops his keys.
  • Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger: Wag - Huntsville, Alabama, school district for suspending students who paid a homeless man to walk the halls of their school without pants; Wag - U.S. Mint for announcing that it costs more to make pennies and nickels than they're worth ; Wag and Tip - Jesus for not putting enough detail in his latest "appearance" in a rock in Mexico, but at the same time testing Colbert's faith.
  • Stephen talks about the Person of the Year decided by TIME magazine and decides that this means all his viewers who did what Stephen told them to do. He then talks about Miss USA and her second chance. After the break he shows a clip on how he visited the Kennedy Institute of Politics at Harvard University trying to bring the students to the "right" path.
  • Better Know A District: Eleanor Holmes Norton of Washington, D.C. At the end of the interview, Marvel Comics Editor-In-Chief Quesada gives Stephen the shield of Captain America.
  • Bears absent from the Threat-down for the second week in a row. Colbert proposes to mate various blond celebrities to enhance their blondedness. Colbert boasts in an "I Called It" segment his correct predictions for Oscar winners.
  • Russ Lieber accuses Colbert of never having been in the Marine Corps; first advertisement for the Colbert Cruise.
  • Movies That Are Destroying America : An Inconvenient Truth , Hoot , Over the Hedge , Mission: Impossible III, pronounced as "Miiii" , recommends Akeelah and the Bee.
  • Scolded the San Francisco Zoo for, as he perceived, having two male eagles raise Stephen, Jr.
  • Colbert announces he received his first donation for his new charity, the Stephen & Melinda Gates Foundation. Also, Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger; Tips to Iraqi TV for their American Idol-esque Iraqi Star and to aliens for their 3-D crop circles. Wags to Arizona for their new voter lottery and Wal-mart's new policy regarding shoplifting for items under $25 dollars.
  • Threat Down: Al Gore, Toby Keith, Anti-Drug Ads, Irony, Food
  • Second Out-of-Context Interview, with Patrick Fitzgerald; Stephen Settles the Debate: Ramadan vs. Halloween; Placed Rock and Roll nativity scene on his bookshelf to celebrate the end of "Rocktober."
  • Another "Tip of the Hat/Wag of the Finger"; Stephen puts the Hollywood Foreign Press Association on notice; Stephen explains the gifts that will be going in the stockings on his mantle, with The Heroes receiving an IOU for one Xbox 360 they will share collectively and the Blame America First crowd receiving Stephen's latest fragrance, Scorn.
  • Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger: Tip - Nebraska state legislature for its dividing of school boards along race lines; Wag - Eel catfish for "giving the Darwin-huggers another bullet in their gun"; Tip - TomKat for their birth; Wag - TomKat for "trying to steal his thunder" about their birth. Stephen then consumes the remains of the egg "Stephen, Jr." hatched out of, in response to both this as well as Tom Cruise's joking declaration to eat the placenta of his newborn daughter.
  • Threat-down: Senator Arlen Specter for suggesting taxing oil company profits, Illinois for attempting to force impeachment of President Bush, LL Cool J for thwarting "irresponsible spending by rappers that fuels the economy", Federal Express for funding a grizzly bear exhibit in the Memphis Zoo, Tom Hanks for his starring role in The DaVinci Code.
  • Movies That Are Destroying America: Stephen scorns 'A Scanner Darkly', suspects transsexuality in 'Barnyard', expresses how much he hates "Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest", and recommends that everybody see Strangers with Candy multiple times at full price.
  • Stephen tracks his eagle, Stephen Jr., on www.iws.org. Stephen Jr. ends up in Canada. He then mentions that James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, is offering a full refund to those people who bought the book before it was revealed to be partially fictional. This leads to the night's word. Formidable Opponent: Should America set a timetable for withdrawing from Iraq? The segment ends with each Colbert holding a gun to the other's head. Stephen then interviews Ken Jennings regarding his new book, Brainiac: Adventures in the Curious, Competitive, Compulsive World of Trivia Buffs. He attempts to nail Ken by asking him, "Which element has an atomic number 75?" He also asks Ken how many pages are in his book, which Ken can't answer.
  • Colbert compares the platforms that Hillary Clinton and Lucifer would have in a potential election. He also suggests Lucifer be a vice-presidential candidate, with John McCain as the presidential candidate. Colbert announces that Saginaw Spirit has officially named their mini-mascot "Steagle Colbeagle the Eagle." At the end of his show, he declares he had a perfect show and retires his jersey.
  • Introduced a new service:
  • Stephen ends his well-announced Green Screen Challenge- one of the finalists, George L., comes on, but loses to the other finalist by a score of 40.0-39.9; new episode of Tek Jansen. Ahmed Best reprises his role of Jar Jar Binks in George L.'s entry. This is the first episode of The Colbert Report to not have a proper interview.
  • Banned "my black friend Alan", sending him to "Alan Town", "where all my banned Alans go, including Alan Colmes, Alan Alda, Alan Franken, Alan Gore, and Alan, Woody", and downgraded Alan to "my black acquaintance Alan." Received a "personal bear deterrent" from Michael Chertoff. Stephen's Sound Advice: surviving high gas prices. Premieres a "special bonus to Better Know a District": "Betterer Know a District." The premiere: Rep. Phil Gingrey recalling lines from Gone with the Wind; Colbert replies to the clip, "As God as my witness, we will never show that clip again."
  • Conducted fake interview with Tom DeLay by splicing in his words from three separate interviews for the 23rd installment of "Better Know a District." Put his honorary doctorate from Knox College on bookshelf along with pictures of TV doctors Noah Drake from General Hospital, Gregory House from House, and Cliff Huxtable from The Cosby Show. Credits list Producer Dr. Stephen Colbert.
  • There is no Wørd for the second time in five episodes . Stephen laments the cease-fire between Israel and Lebanon, because "we are no longer on the road to World War III." Jon Stewart is added to the new "called out" board until Stewart's "on notice" card is ready - Stewart then shows up in the studio and he and Stephen discuss Jon's "feud; color:#ffffff; with Geraldo Rivera. After Jon apologizes to Geraldo, he is taken off the "called out" board. Stephen's Sound Advice: Protecting Your Online Identity. Tips: type with your non-dominant hand, pick a password you can't even remember, get hundreds of credit cards, defrag your hard drive, perform fake web searches to "throw people off", and wash your computer once a month to protect it from viruses.
  • Stephen downs a Hoegaarden Blanche wheat beer in front of New Jersey's 3rd district Democratic candidate Rich Sexton.
  • Colbert halts his sperm merchant business due to excess demand.
  • Part sixteen of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Brad Sherman of California's 27th congressional district. Colbert repeatedly references the San Fernando Valley's pornography industry, flustering the representative. A pornography spoof is also present in which a pizza delivery man "unexpectedly" arrives. This harkens back, most likely intentionally, to a 2004 episode of The Colbert Report's sister show The Daily Show in which Stephen also investigated the porn industry, that time on the porn industry's funding of the GOP's 2004 re-election campaign. Stephen repeatedly ran into the same pizza guy during interviews, with similar occurrences to those that happened in this episode happening to Stephen, the pizza guy, and his interviewees. The episode is notable for the fact that "The Wørd" segment did not air until the second "act" of the show.
  • Colbert provides a different view on global warming with his PowerPoint presentation/"top-grossing documentary" The Convenientest Truth.
  • Colbert updates journalist Jill Carroll on what's happened in the world while she was held captive. Women's History Month is celebrated by honoring Soledad O'Brien. Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger: wag for giving the Templeton Prize to a scientist, tip to Canada, wag to Victor Willis. Colbert encourages viewers to download episodes of the show from the iTunes Music Store.
  • Colbert debates President Bush's warrantless domestic spying program on Formidable Opponent; he catwalks as a model for "Stephen Colbert's Scorn" to welcome fashion writer Givhan; he apologizes to Hamas for falsely claiming they associate with the world's number one threat bears.
  • Scolded PBS for their "pro-bear agenda".
  • Threat-down: "Ivy Leaguers!" , "Bad Heroin!", "U.S. Diplomats!" , "Repetitive Corporate Sponsorships!" , "Conservationists!" , "and oh, yeah, bears."
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: A Salute to the American lady, which Colbert was forced to do after being involved with some of the interns. Stephen R.A.P.S., Cooks with Feminists , and ends by declaring everyone Mrs. Colbert.
  • First installment of "Who's attacking me now?; color:#ffffff; with the Humane Society in response to Stephen encouraging people to hunt bears; Part ten of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Eliot L. Engel of New York's 17th Congressional District, in which Colbert stuffs his face with breadsticks, repeatedly assumes Engel has accepted money from Jack Abramoff, and combs Engel's moustache.
  • Stephen paraphrases Country Music Award Nominees and places a chocolate portrait of Viggo Mortensen on his bookshelf to commemorate the 15th anniversary of the Internet.
  • Colbert shows that Massachusetts is an anagram for The Ass Sac Smut. And has special guest Maz Jobrani who urges Arabians to refuse terrorist roles. Colbert provides the idea for Behavioral Profiling . A mini-Better Know a District is done with Mark Foley via textmessage. Colbert is outraged at Starbucks' price increase of a nickel and admits his addiction to Starbucks' five-shot Venti caramel mocha.
  • Stephen Colbert talks about Whitney Houston's break-up, and airs the second installment of The New Adventures of Tek Jansen. He also completes a bust of George W. Bush that is made up of cut-up pieces of the New York Times. Stephen says he'll send it to the New York Times as a piñata, but says that they'll be surprised by what it's filled with.
  • Better Know A District: Lynn Westmoreland from Georgia's 8th; Stephen gives American flags and bibles to the audience and displays a self-waving American flag that also plays patriotic songs.
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: The De-Edumacation of the American Brainscape
  • Expressed worry about the date, and put holy water, a crucifix, and a copy of the Bible on his shelf. Once the date was nearly over, he replaced them with a stolen shrunken head and an iPod that "plays only a video of the owner's death" and The Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps." He then attempted to flip the page on a calendar and received a paper cut.
  • Stephen introduces a new segment called "Who's riding my coattails now?" because he feels ripped off by being included in Jeopardy! and because indie rock band The Decemberists announced a "green screen challenge" like he did months before. Angry about this he asks the viewers to compete in the challenge and edit his lightsaber-challenge into The Decemberists' video. After the Word and the break there is the second part of his new three-part series "The Alabama Miracle", this time featuring the opening of the "Stephen Colbert museum and gift shop".
  • Stephen comments on the nomination of Robert Gates and on NASA's plan to colonize the moon. He then comments on how a tribe of Native Americans kicked out one of his members in his Word segment. After the break there is the "Sport Report; color:#ffffff; with a rant about the Saginaw Spirit, who lost 3 games in a row despite having a mascot named after him.
  • In response to a comment made by Orlando Sentinel columnist Commander Coconut, Stephen reveals that he can fold his right ear into his head. He also states, during his interview with Frank Vincent, that his "balls are waxed." Part 1 of "Better Know a Protectorate; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Donna Christian-Christensen of the U.S. Virgin Islands district at large.
  • Part fifteen of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Linda Sánchez of California's 39th congressional district.
  • Stephen shows the liquids that he always takes on airplanes, and suggests ways to cope with the new airline security regulations. Better Know A District: California's 6th District and an interview with Rep. Lynn Woolsey. Colbert wrist wrestles Woolsey. In describing the 6th district, Colbert mentions that it contains Skywalker Ranch. In honor of George Lucas, Colbert films green screen footage of himself with a lightsaber that is later remixed by fans as part of his "Green Screen Challenge".
  • Premiered the Report's new report on the avian influenza: "Death From Above: Bird Flu Is Going To Kill Everyone."
  • Threat Down; Canadian pharmaceuticals, fake sperm, Jackie Chan, rogue waves and Magnamorphs .
  • Stephen reviews the history of various Christmas traditions. Plus, new editions of "Un-American News" and "The In Box."
  • Stephen is brought to tears by the resignation of Randy "Duke" Cunningham. California's 50th congressional district is now "dead to him" and "Better Know a District" is now a 434 part series. Report is led in by the collapse of the Canadian Liberal government via a non-confidence vote. Also, he had a photo montage of Duke Cunningham's Things played at the end. First installment of "Was It Really That Bad?" on The Plague.
  • Stephen projects the Connecticut primary result by projecting that Joe Lieberman will not appear on his show. Stephen gives interior decorating advice for the White House press room. First episode of the animated series Stephen Colbert's Alpha Squad 7: The New Tek Jansen Adventures. Stephen finally attempts to check in with Jon Stewart and The Daily Show.
  • Stephen attacks bloggers for intercepting footage of him before he interviewed Bradley Whitford ; Stephen played the recording of the telephone call he got from the man he called his mentor, Wilford Brimley; Promo for Yet Another Day.
  • The Threat-down: dads; robots; Virginia governor Mark Warner; bears; and the Associated Press; Stephen places a piggy bank stuffed with one US dollar as a commitment to financing the war in Iraq.
  • Opens with a demand of forgiveness from various Jews. Author Daniel Golden helps Stephen form an opinion on early admission to colleges. Golden immediately calls after the interview to, as a Jew, apologize for the interview, saying he should have made his point clearer. Better Know a District: Paul Aronsohn from New Jersey's 5th.
  • Profiled a fireworks salesman in The Difference Makers; said "goodbye" to the Supreme Court; left the show in solidarity with Star Jones leaving The View.
  • Colbert outlines his plan to save traditional marriage by stating that gay marriage should be banned in 49 states and legalized only in Massachusetts so all the gays will flock there. Better Know a District: Rick Larsen of Washington's 2nd. Colbert removes Mort Zuckerman from the "On Notice" board after Zuckerman apologized during the interview.
  • Stephen adds pant cuffs to the "On Notice" board but has to move New York Intellectuals to the "Dead to Me" board to make room; Part five of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Mark Udall of Colorado's 2nd congressional district.
  • "Our Kids: What The Hell Is Wrong With Them?" He skateboards from desk to a 1970s-esque rec room complete with beanbag chairs and shag carpeting.
  • Stephen showed a clip of Cuban president Fidel Castro and Venezuelan president Hugo Chávez together on Castro's 80th birthday . He quoted George W. Bush's intent that the US will go and help the Cuban people in a post Castro era, and cried, 'We are coming for you, Elián!' Stephen's vote on the Hungarian bridge increased and he is officially past Chuck Norris . Fans were encouraged to visit www.colbertnation.com to find a direct link to vote for him. He joked about East Germany's Olympic swimming team, the Wonder Girls, as you would wonder if they were girls.
  • Part seven of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Jim Moran of Virginia's 8th congressional district.
  • Checked mail on The In Box, replayed offensive clip of his character Ching-Chong Ding-Dong, and solved all the world's mysteries with his word association system The DaColbert Code.
  • Stephen complains about his cold and the non-working drugs he took against it. He then honors people in a new segment called "Profiles in Balls". After the break there is a long interview.
  • Stephen talks about candidates for the 2008 presidential election, especially attacking declared candidate Tom Vilsack on his new segment "Vilsack Attack". He then talks about the racist remarks by Michael Richards with P.K. Winsome, his favorite black Republican interviewee. After the break he informs about new merchandise with his name on and then his new three-part series "The Alabama Miracle" concludes with a report on how the museum fails.
  • Stephen talks about more applicants for his new black friend, but then reconciles with Alan ; the return of "Formidable Opponent; color:#ffffff; with detaining suspected terrorists in Guantanamo Bay Naval Base; Stephen adds a Wendy's "Great Biggie" to his bookshelf, as its name was changed to "large."
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: American Pop Culture: It's Crumbelievable! Damian Kulash from the band OK Go comes on to discuss how and why his band circumvented the "corporate machine." Stephen shows a typical family and how cable television has destroyed their lives.
  • Colbert takes credit for Stephen Harper's victory in the Canadian federal election ; part eleven of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Bill Pascrell of New Jersey's 8th District.
  • Colbert Report Days of Repentance Hotline [1-888-OOPS-JEW], George Allan's Jewish mother, The Greatest Story Ever Sold getting cockblocked, Geneva Convention Compromise, Green Screen Challenge - Trevor Homer, Colbert Cruise '06.
  • Citizens in Action: Fondue It Yourself. Segment with Cassie Ramoska and Ricky Faust as citizen journalists. Robert Baer discusses his new "fictional" book.
  • Colbert retires the Texas' 22nd Congressional District from the "Better Know a District" board in honor of Rep. Tom DeLay's resignation. On "Stephen Colbert's Balls -- For Kidz", Plastic Surgery.
  • This episode is an hour-long joint live broadcast with The Daily Show. Colbert has two cakes ready, one for a Republican victory, with a picture of all states in red, and one for a Democratic victory, with a picture of a terrorist. Colbert notes that all incumbents profiled in the Better Know a District segments were reelected. Rep. Robert Wexler and Delegate Eleanor Holmes Norton return as special guests to talk about the Democratic takeover of the House. During this interview, Wexler is very cautious to what he says after Colbert asks him if he would "reach across the aisle" and calls Norton a Republican. Colbert unwillingly declares victory for the Democrats; he then says that he quits the show and storms out the studio, but his limo driver, Uncle Sam, coaxes him to return.
  • Colbert attacks Barney Frank for calling his show a waste of time; Stephen explores Matthew McConaughey's ego after he's named People Magazines Sexiest Man Alive; Threatdown; The Prescott Groups video 'Oil: Here Today, More Tomorrow.
  • Colbert opens the show by speaking in Korean in response to North Korea's nuclear bomb detonations. He then gives an update to the Saginaw Spirit in the Stephen Colbert Sports Update . The show closes with Randy Newman singing "Political Science."
  • Suggested to President Bartlet to pardon The A-Team before The West Wing goes off the air to "secure his TV president legacy." Colbert begins reselling a limited supply of Formula 401, for Russians only, in response to Russian President Vladimir Putin's efforts to increase Russia's fertility rate.
  • A brand new "All You Need To Know; color:#ffffff; with Dick Cheney, Gen. Michael V. Hayden, immigration, hurricanes. "The Craziest F#?ing Thing I've Ever Heard" - A man pulling a truck with his ear "as a solution to high gas prices."
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: The De-Deification of the American Faithscape
  • "Tip of the hat, wag of the finger": Mid-term Elections edition
  • Stephen reads his mail from people who want to be his new black friend. He interviews Julian Bond, Chairman of the NAACP, asking advice on how to choose his new black friend. He also interviews Congressman Robert Wexler of the 19th District of Florida.
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: Home, Hearth, Heart & Heartland: A Return to Traditional Values. The normal theme music is replaced by Colbert on guitar and leading the audience in "This Land Is Your Land." Judith Martin appears as a special correspondent. Colbert gives "Stephen's Sound Advice" to parents on how to raise a hero. This is also the first episode in which a "The Wørd" segment does not appear.
  • Part nine of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Steve Rothman of New Jersey's 9th District; Michael Adams gets a phone call from Colbert, who accepts a apology.
  • Stephen is featured in GQ, then talks about the Pope's visit to Turkey. His staff discovered Colbert County, Alabama and Stephen sent his building manager Tad to go there and open a museum in his honor in a new three-part-series "The Alabama Miracle".
  • Colbert opens the show by commenting on Saddam Hussein's death sentence by hanging and pushes viewers to vote Republican. A net of red balloons are hung above the set, but no blue ones since he felt it wasn't necessary. He notes that if the Republicans don't win the House after the midterm elections, no balloons would be falling. He brings out two children who want a balloon drop and urges people to vote Republican. Colbert then tells the viewers what to expect while voting and ends by having a fireside chat about absentee ballots.
  • "Lincolnish" replaces "Megamerican" in the title sequence. Proposed a boycott of the dime, claiming that FDR was a "tax-loving mental cripple." Two changes to the On Notice Board, Journal of Paleolimnology replaces Fabergé eggs, and Todd Rundgren replaces business casual. "Was It Really That Bad?" discusses 1906 earthquake in San Francisco. In another installment of "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard", Colbert reports on scientists who created eyeglasses for a housefly. The second Colbert Report episode without a Special Report where "The Wørd; color:#ffffff; wasn't aired.
  • Stephen congratulates Steven Van Zandt for the E Street Band being taken off notice; first appearance of Stephen Colbert's Balls for Kidz.
  • Part three of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Stephanie Tubbs Jones of Ohio's 11th congressional district. Included a proposed TV show called Judge Tubbs. Also read from The In Box, and told us about an ongoing contest to guess what number he's thinking of. It's not: 7, 16, 111, 280 or 499. First time interview was conducted via satellite rather than in-studio; Whitford appeared surrounded by his Emmy awards, which Colbert suggested could fight his Emmy award.
  • Condemned some leading Republican opponents of the border security plan for acting like Democrats; spurred by the success of the "Better Know a District" series, debuted the 43-part series "Better Know a President; color:#ffffff; with first installment Theodore Roosevelt.
  • Colbert places Mort Zuckerman On Notice after U.S. News and World Report sent a fax claiming that he misstated Zuckerman's position on tax cuts. Tip of the Hat / Wag of the Finger: Wag - College Students.
  • Announced the hatching of the baby bald eagle named after him at the San Francisco Zoo. Yelled at the Pulitzer Prize committee for being passed over, and compared giving Louisiana papers Pulitzers for Hurricane Katrina coverage to giving Oscars to actors playing the mentally handicapped. Threat-down: Judas, Wal-Mart, Neil Young, robots, "Winnie the Bear."
  • Stephen starts the episode with reiterating his support for Putin '08. He then urges Senator John McCain to choose life and warns him about the alternative - President Hillary Clinton. Stephen then talks about President Bush bringing in his father's think-tank in to alleviating the situation in Iraq. This leads to the Word: Back off, Old Man! Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger .
  • Part eight of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Major Owens of New York's 11th District.
  • Stephen proclaims America's latest victories in the British Open, the Tour de France, and Miss Universe. Threat Down: Camp Quest; Other People's Religion In Schools; LaPorte, Indiana; M. Night Shyamalan; Kix.
  • Bring 'Em Back Or Leave 'Em Dead: Asian Edition; Formidable Opponent: Torture
  • First appearance of "Stephen's Sound Advice." Stephen gives advice to Iraqis on how to fight a civil war.
  • Hungarian ambassador to the United States András Simonyi announces that Stephen Colbert won the Northern M0 Danube bridge-naming contest, but in order to actually have the bridge named after him Colbert must be dead; Colbert lambasts NASA for launching Space Shuttle Atlantis instead of sending the president to Mars.
  • Introduction to Stephen's self-published Sci-fi novel Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure; First appearance of "The Pulse,; color:#ffffff; where Stephen plays a video of one of his fans asking him a question. Today's included How is the weight of paper determined? and What's your favorite Jay-Z Song? .
  • The whole episode is used to slowly build up to the guitar-solo-challenge against The Decemberists' guitarist Chris Funk, including a Stephen-friendly performance of "Stephen, Stephen" a song written just days before by Robert Schneider of The Apples in Stereo and a "Shred Down." Stephen – who, after "injuring himself", is replaced by Peter Frampton – wins in a close contest. Other guests include Henry Kissinger, rock critic Anthony DeCurtis, and Governor-elect Eliot Spitzer. The end of the show sees Cheap Trick guitarist and Colbert Report theme writer Rick Nielsen lead the other three guitarists and Stephen in a rendition of the theme.
  • Colbert considers Japan's victory in the World Baseball Classic a victory for the United States by proxy; performance reviews of staff members Bobby, Jimmy, and Killer are done on-air; Colbert corrects a number of factual errors from recent episodes during "the In-Box."
  • "Megamerican" replaces "Grippy" in the opening sequence; Colbert shows a fake interview with Brit Hume and implores his viewers to harass Fox News to air the interview; Colbert shows off his tattooed knuckles that feature the names of Bode Miller and Michelle Kwan; part fourteen of "Better Know a District" profiling New Jersey's 13th District, which is currently vacant; Colbert places a sample of his DNA on his bookshelf to celebrate the 53rd anniversary of its discovery.
  • The Colbert Report calls the 2008 United States presidential election in favor of Bill Frist, the first news show to do so. Colbert also predicts that a war will be waged against Iran by then.
  • In "The WØRD", Colbert defines "Wikiality" as "truth by consensus" , modeled after the approval-by-consensus format of Wikipedia. He praises Wikipedia for following his philosophy of "truthiness", that intuition and consensus is a better reflection of reality than fact. As he states, "if enough people believe something", it must be true. He also calls on people to edit Wikipedia so it says certain things, for instance, that the elephant population had tripled in six months. As a result, many of the topics Colbert mentioned, as well as numerous Colbert-related topics, were temporarily protected.
  • Complained about being passed over by the Peabody Award Committee. Part eighteen of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Darlene Hooley of Oregon's 5th District.
  • The show starts with Stephen's search for his "son" Stephen junior, an eagle named for him, who ended up in Vancouver. He then talks about how his report got the Seattle-Tacoma Airport to reinstate Christmas trees in the flight lounge.
  • Announced that Colbert Nation was now a nuclear power, "in an arms race with Hannity & Colmes." On the 20th installment of "Better Know a District", Georgia's 11th Congressional District, interviewing Rep. Phil Gingrey, .
  • Stephen opens with a "Shout Out!" to Michael Rehm , a cook at the Amundsen-Scott Station in Antarctica and Colbert fan. The red balloons are finally dropped in an attempt to hide news of the Republican loss from Michael, and this is followed by the "South Pole Minute". During the Wørd, Stephen pushes for U.S. President Putin in 2008. A video segment about the "only" black Republican, "P.K. Winsome: A Journey Home", in which P.K. visits Harlem to rally the GOP base there. Finally, Stephen interviews inventor Dean Kamen while seated in an iBot, a sophisticated wheelchair of Kamen's design.
  • Films that are Destroying America: Colbert condemns Walk the Line and Pride and Prejudice, but says, though he hasn't seen it yet, Transamerica must be a great movie, because it has "America" right in the title, and whether you're a man or a woman, it seems to have something for everyone; Homage to Martin Luther King, Jr.'s "I Have a Dream" speech, with a speech entitled "I Have a Dreamsicle", delivered in between taking bites of a dreamsicle, until he is suddenly stopped by brainfreeze, places unfinished Dreamsicle on bookshelf.
  • "Was It Really That Bad?" on the days before the rise of labor unions. Stephen shows a clip from his new documentary, "Hiphopketball 2: The Rejazzebration '06 Remix" featuring an appearance by Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
  • Stephen reiterates that Vladimir Putin should run for President in 2008 and checks his recordings on his TiVo DVR . After the Word, there is a "Threat Down!" on toys. They are the 100 hoops basketball toy, the Barbie: My Scene head model, Target (store), Toys for Tots, and the Nintendo Wii
  • Stephen is proud to announce that Stephen Jr., an eagle named by the San Diego Zoo, has started on a course back to America after flying to Canada, with extra incentive of Eagle Porn. Colbert then blames the Republican defeat on Gail Parker's annoying jingle, and introduces "Stephen Colbert's Kid Activity Corner" and shows how to make a Nancy Pelosi Hand Turkey.
  • Stephen replaces Scott McClellan with Terrell Owens's agent, to do a better job repelling questions at a White House press conference; Part four of "Better Know a District,; color:#ffffff; with Rep. John Mica of Florida's 7th congressional district; another "All You Need to Know"; and a visit from the spirit of Jon Stewart, who tells us that the studio of the Report was built on an Indian burial ground.
  • Colbert announces that the San Francisco Zoo is planning on naming a newborn bald eagle Stephen Jr. in his honor; Russ Lieber debates Colbert on the issue of school vouchers, and ends up confessing his love for "quadrapalegic gay men in wheel chairs, holding babies."
  • "Stephen Colbert's Executive Book Summaries Summaries", a summary of summaries of executive books.
  • Al Franken gloats about the Democrats' Congressional victory; Franken claims credit for saving Rush Limbaugh's life for calling him a big fat idiot. Better Know a Founder with Thomas Jefferson - three look-alikes, after being judged on their fashion sense by Tim Gunn, compete in America's Top Jefferson. Stephen fights paleontologist Mike Novacek over the existence of dinosaurs.
  • The show starts with Stephen explaining the new background of his interview table, which is the Birth of Jesus scene . He then talks about Dick Cheney's pregnant lesbian daughter and that there might or not have been an order of Colbert's sperm to her address. After the break there is a new "Tek Jansen" episode.
  • Frank Rich's book still not #1; The Four Horsemen of the Ap-POP-calypse: Movies, Television, Music, Books; Alpha Dog of the Week: Tom Selleck, possible next President of the NRA.
  • Mort Zuckerman calls the hotline. Colbert at first cannot remember the word, and goes through it trying to remember. Tip of the Hat: Chevrolet's new Silverado ad, George Clooney Wag of the finger: Bill Cosby and his slave museum, Food Labels Colbert admits there is an Adults-only secret level in his fictional World of Colbertcraft, a play on Grand Theft Auto's Hot Coffee mod.
  • Colbert visibly mourned Katie Couric retiring The Today Show for the CBS Evening News and Meredith Vieira leaving The View. "Formidable Opponent" - Immigration.
  • Stephen praises women's slutty Halloween costumes. He announces the winner of the auction of the photo that previously hung over his fireplace. He also gets incredibly scared by a video showing the reality that Nancy Pelosi may become Speaker of the House. He conducts an interview with Log Cabin Republican from the new show Freak Show, who outs many gay Republicans, including Abraham Lincoln.
  • Part twelve of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Jerrold Nadler of New York's 8th District
  • Colbert launches "Stephen Colbert's Guardian Eagles" to oversee prom week activities; first installment of "The Difference Makers."
  • Part six of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Carolyn Cheeks Kilpatrick of Michigan's 13th congressional district; First installment of "Around the World in 11.6 Seconds."
  • Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger: wag of the finger to Oregon for its physician-assisted suicide law, tip of the hat to the U.S. Supreme Court for upholding the law, so there will be fewer of those hippies from Oregon, "California's Canada." Second appearance of Wilford Brimley.
  • Part two of "Better Know a District; color:#ffffff; with Rep. Barney Frank of Massachusetts's 4th congressional district; Harriet Miers added to the Bookshelf of Broken Dreams.
  • The 22nd edition of "Better Know a District", Nebraska's 2nd Congressional District, interviewing Rep. Lee Terry, .
  • Colbert listens to the State of the Union address while doing the show; first appearance of "The Craziest F#?king Thing I've Ever Heard." Colbert introduces his version of "what you need to know" news and mispronounces Senator Ted Stevens as Ted Williams, then laughs and says wish I could see it.
  • Hamas tops the Threat-down for "forming an alliance with bears" in a television show with which they are connected; after reading a study showing that a TV in the bedroom cuts frequency of sex in half, Colbert feels bad and makes it up to the viewers by reporting on the new Medicare Part D with the lights low and with lots of seductive innuendo. The gold fiddle in the episode is a reference to the Charlie Daniels song "The Devil Went Down to Georgia."
  • Colbert laments over not being awarded a Fields Medal. Upon getting over 17 million votes to name a bridge after him, Stephen salutes Hungary.
  • The one-year anniversary of the Colbert Report. A new descending video screen is installed, the "Judge Tubbs" clip from BKAD is replayed, and Colbert retires the portrait that hung over the studio "fireplace" and places it for auction on eBay. The portrait is replaced by one of him standing next to the old portrait.
  • Colbert awards Rep. John Boehner (R) Stephen's Balls for running a lobbyist reform campaign to become House Majority Leader, despite the fact that his publicly known address is rented from a Washington lobbyist; Stephen notably breaks character by laughing while crossing names of celebrities being married , but eventually recovers; Stephen ends the show with a clip of a love ballad by his former band, "Stephen and the Colberts", entitled "Charlene " full of not-so-subtle messages implying he's stalking her.
  • Stephen lampoons Good Morning America and The Today Show for their coverage of his recent interview with Congressman Robert Wexler. Formidable Opponent: Stem-cell research.
  • Stephen takes calls from "The Heroes"; Stephen Settles the Debate: Faith vs. Science.
  • Part nineteen of "Better Know a District": profiled Rep. Albert Wynn (D) of Maryland's 4th District. After updating the "Better Know a District" board, Colbert notes that it looks like he's broadcasting from space. After nobody laughs, he adds, "I could be alone in that feeling."
  • Colbert was accidentally about to say "Ro-pert" and then cursed when he realized his mistake; after the opening credits he says, "The name of the show is not The Colbert Ro-shit. First installment of "Stephen Makes it Simple", with big government and small government.
  • A Colbert Report Special Report: The De-Ballification of the American Sportscape; Stephen awards the report the Omnisport Award for Excellence in Everything.
  • Joe Lieberman did not "show up" for his interview, so Stephen takes calls from viewers instead. One caller complained about the "Wikiality" episode, stating he could not edit elephant because it was protected.
  • Alexi Lalas helps Stephen trash talk other teams in the World Cup.
  • Mentioned his "Native American friend", "gay friend", and "little person friend" and asked for applications to be his new "black friend." Revealed that the Colbert Report eagle is named "Liberty" . Placed his body parts on the auction block; his gall bladder was first to be sold, for $100.
  • Stephen launches a "Campaign Against Humbuggery"; bears once again top the "Threat Down," followed by happy Germans, alien landing areas, the 9/11 Commission, wasps, popes, and threats.
  • Colbert Report Special Report: "War: What It's Good For". David Cross appears again as Russ Lieber. First installment of Meet an Ally: Palau. This is the first episode that has neither a Wørd nor an introductory phrase.
  • "All You Need to Know" returns. Stephen implores Sir Benjamin Slade, a British man searching for an American heir, to give his estate to him.
  • In the beginning he talks about how Rosie O'Donnell's fake Chinese talking has been criticized. He then salutes Jack Kingston who took a stand against the new 5-day-workweek of Congress and talks to him via satellite. After the break there is a "Threat Down!" dealing with threats to Christmas by Britain, Jews, the Police and real Christmas trees .
  • A distraught Colbert opens the show by noting that nothing important happened except a strong rain and Britney Spears's breakup with Kevin Federline. In order to alleviate his anger, he strikes a blue donkey pinata with a bat. Stephen is completely silent during the Wørd, during which the bullet points describe his thoughts on the results of the Midterm Elections. Newly elected John Hall, who was profiled in a Better Know a District segment, returns and sings the National Anthem. A new Tek Jansen theme song is unveiled and the episode closes with a montage of the now-dead Republican majority.
  • Colbert Report Special Report: "Money and Politics - The Machine That Ain't Broke." Also in this episode, Tad, the building manager reappeared in an attempt to save his job by winning Stephen items at an auction of former Republican member of the United States House of Representatives from California's 50th District, Duke Cunningham. The auction report mirrored similar segments that are common on The Daily Show in which a correspondent goes on location for a special investigation in a pre-taped format. Colbert himself frequently did these in his time on The Daily Show. This marks the first time a segment such as this has been featured on The Colbert Report.
  • ThreatDown: Salaries! ; There is no Threat #4!; The Pope! ; The Geography Police! ; Bears! Introduces his "Condon'ts". At the conclusion of the show, Stephen got a thank you from his audience, and said, "You're very welcome", a subtextual response to the Thank You Stephen Colbert website.
  • The infamous anti-Rosa Parks speech; Introduces his black friend Alan; First mention of his undying hatred toward bears; Took calls from fake listeners for the first time; first appearance of Yet Another Day, the Colbert Report morning show.
  • First appearance of "Movies That Are Destroying America" Holiday Christmas Edition. Reviews included The Family Stone, Brokeback Mountain, and The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe.
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  • This is a list of episodes for The Colbert Report in 2005 and 2006. (en)
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  • List of The Colbert Report episodes (2005–06) (en)
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  • The Colbert Report'' 2005–06 episodes (en)
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